Friday, December 29, 2006

afraid

This post is solely a post for me to try and get my thoughts straight. It's not me being an attention whore, or looking for sympathy, and certainly not looking for criticism. I just need to get my thoughts down and out. I considered doing this in my personal paper journal, but decided to do it publicly instead, because I know I am not the only one dealing with this.

I have food issues. I have for years, to a degree, but the diabetes seemed to push it to the fore front last year. And I ignored it. And I pushed it away, staying strong. I never got into anything deeply, it was mostly just experimenting. It started with me realizing if I was upset about something, I could "let" myself throw up without even trying too hardly. And I let myself a few times. Trust me, not much. And I realized it took my mind off whatever I was upset about, and refocused my attention. My denial of having diabetes caused it to spin toward skipping insulin, fueling both my "food issues" and my denial issues. I would stop when I hit 400 and felt like shit, and often over correct, spinning me on a roller coaster for days. And then I catapulted into trying some of dad's lasix to see how much weight I could lose before a doctor's appointment. And it worked. But I promised myself I didn't have an eating disorder, and pushed it to the back of my mind. I wouldn't have an eating disorder until I was underweight.

So I moved on, and the issue laid dormant for awhile. But the holidays brought it back again. I felt fat after Christmas. And I can honestly say I didn't eat much, if any, more than usual. But I feel fat. And ad after ad for weight lose plans and diets and health clubs isn't helping. And I let myself throw up last night. And I let my pump get occluded and didn't deal with it, thus letting my blood sugar get high.

I know all the issues are related to an eating disorder of sorts. And I have learned about eating disorders, and I see all the signs in myself. And I saw myself heading for one. But I can't seem to stop the spiral. And I'm honestly at a point where I am not sure I want to. Because being healthy isn't my biggest priority right now. I have these thoughts that maybe if I was thinner, I would have more friends, or a boyfriend, or damnit, even better grades. And it's insane, I know. I feel like I can't even like myself unless I am thinner. And I know all this sounds major depressing, but I feel like it's not that bad.

And I don't even know how to get help. I mentioned it to my primary care doctor, and got the response, "You're not exactly wasting away." I have sense found a new pcp. I tried to talk to my pastor about it, and he blew me off, not exactly helping the self esteem issues I am. I tried to talk to my parents, and they told me that an eating disorder should be the least of my concerns. And it's hard for me to ask for help to begin with, cause damn, I feel too fat to ask for help. Only skinny people get eating disorders, and that's not me.

I don't know where to turn. I even feel like asking for help will make me weaker and more susceptible to it. If I ask for help, it will mean I really have something wrong, and it will mean I can therefore act more on what is wrong. And I can honestly say that I have not been acting on a lot of these feelings. And I'm not even sure posting this on the internet is a great idea, so who knows, it may be gone later.

I also feel like asking for help would be anti-Christian. As a Christian, I feel like God should be the only support I need. And that God loves me for who I am, so I should love me for who I am. And that God made me the way I am, so I should love how I look, because I am "fearfully and wonderfully made." But I still want to lose weight. And I could stand to lose some, but I want to do it healthfully, and every time I try, I get pushed in to negative things. I feel like religion should be helping me, but it's hindering me here. And I hate that.

The funny thing is, up until recently, I felt like all these thoughts were normal. Now it's striking me that people can be discontent with their weight and not feel the need to go make themselves puke.

I'm afraid for things I am too afraid to admit.

13 comments:

MileMasterSarah said...

I wish I had some magic words of wisdom for you, but I don't. I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I've never gotten hugely obese, but I've gotten close. I can understand your feelings, and I hope that you can find a way to find peace with yourself and find peace with how and what you eat. It really is a journey. I remember at age 14 I hated my body and thought I was fat, and I was a size 7! I then remember being 24 and being a size 22 and weighing 215 lbs and I WISHED I could even be a size 14! Now I am a size 12 and I'm 168, and I still feel fat. Fat is a state of mind, happiness is how you live your life

Andrea said...

Hey there...

As someone who has her own share of weight and food "issues"... I feel your pain. I have definitely had struggles with this myself in the past and still do to this day. I have a problem with taking things to the extreme. I've been both overweight and underweight... no middle ground. And it's funny, just when I feel like I have this thing licked, I have a setback and feel like I'm back at square one. :( It really sucks.

I think you need to figure out why this is a problem for you... As we all know, food issues usually are symptoms of a bigger problem. Personally, I know my main problem is being an emotional eater... I turn to food whenever I'm sad, anxious, angry, upset, etc., etc., etc. Instead of finding healthier ways to deal w/ those emotions, food gives me comfort... Unfortunately, it's a learned behavior from childhood.

Anway, I think once you know what may be the catalyst, you'll be able to find ways to deal and improve your situation. It might be wise to even consider seeing someone professionally... perhaps a therapist, dietician, or even speaking to your diabetes eductor.

Also, don't forget to cut yourself a break. We are ALL human and we all have our weaknesses... Dealing with weight issues is hard enough, but then throw in Diabetes, and it really becomes a challenge, to say the least. You've taken the first step in realizing that something needs to change, now it's just a matter of taking action. I strongly believe that if you want something bad enough, anything is possible. You can change and better things for yourself- I have every confidence.

Hang in there~ we are rooting for you :)

BetterCell said...

Megan...You do have an "Eating Disorder" and as such you MUST seek out a PCP or Nurse Practitioner or Teaching Hospital that will work with you. A lot of support and direction is what you currently NEED. If your Church or/and Health Care Providers are unable to offer you Council/Support/Medical Attention regarding this problem, then you MUST look elsewhere. Denial in a Eating Disorder does not make it go away. Ironically, it is not your Denial we are dealing with, but those who should be in a position to Help you.

In Search Of Balance said...

I agree with BetterCell that seeking help should be a top priority for you, and I admire your bravery and commitment to your health in making the first steps towards that end. Don't let your parents or doctor dissuade you.

I am so sorry to hear that you are having to struggle with this during the holidays, and I wish you all the best in your continuing path towards healing.

Take care.

Kath said...

I am very sad that the people in your life are ignoring your desire to be helped. I wish someone could get your post to them AND the comments so they can get their heads out of their asses.

That said, please keep seeking help. You are harming yourself. Can you go straight to a therapist on your own without a referral? I know my plan allows that, and that's what you should do.

Johnboy said...

Glad you got this out. I don't have an answer, but I think you did a brave and important thing in verbalizing your feelings.

I don't know much about how such a thing is dealt with, but the first thing I would do is start researching the topic and find out.

Hugs,
J.B.

Carol said...

What a courageous post. Good for you for writing it out. I wanted to comment on your feeling that because you are a Christian, you should not need people to help you. As a fellow Christian, I can tell you with absolute certainty that is a lie. God created us for relationship, with Him and with other people. I know you didn't want advice, but it sounds like you are at the point of wanting some help, but have been turned away at every point (yes, I would like to shake your parents and your pastor). I would recommend that you check out www.newlife.com or call 1-800-NewLife. They can connect you with a Christian counselor who specializes in food issues, and they realize that people need people and God.

Bernard said...

Megan

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much with eating issues. Thanks for being so honest and up front about it all.

I've had similar problems myself in terms of controlling my eating. This is not to compare my difficulties with yours. It's just that I understand what it's like to try and find group that might help. My endo provides some suggestions but couldn't help beyond that. I've also tried hypnosis without too much success.

I wish I could you give you a supportive hug and be there to help when things are worst. I hope that you can figure out a way to be in charge of yourself - that's part of what all of us with diabetes struggle with, which doesn't make it any easier.

Megan, I hope you find some way to overcome all of this. Don't be put off by all the New Year resolution hype. Maybe just try one little positive change and practice that for 30 days, then build on this.

Lyrehca said...

I've written about eating disorders in the past and interviewed people from this organization, the National Association of Anorexia and Eating Disorders: http://www.anad.org/site/anadweb/. I'd urge you to reach out to them with what you are feeling/doing/writing about here to see if they have resources you can utilize.

Also, do you have a good endocrinologist you respect and trust? If so, reach out to them to see if they have a CDE or nutritionist who knows the specific issues of type 1 diabetes and eating disorders and how to get help for them. Calling the American Diabetes Association or the JDRF may be helpful, too.

Good luck--there's nothing wrong with reaching out for help, Christian or no. It's likely the best thing you can do for yourself.

art-sweet said...

Megan - I think lots of us with diabetes have struggled with weight and with negative eating behaviors. You are most definitely not alone.

I don't know how much weight this will carry since I'm not a Christian, but I can't believe that a loving g-d would want you to struggle alone.

I too want to shake your PCP, pastor, and parents.

Please - find someone who takes you seriously and get help with this.

Sasha said...

I think you already made the first step to help yourself - admitting that you have a problem and that you need help. What more, that first step is the hardest one. Please don't stop at that and try to find someone who can help you.

It is so so sad to read that even your family turned you down, I can only imagine how upsetign and demotivating that is. But no matter what people think around you, you deserve and owe it to yourself to seek the help. It's also very good that you want to lose weight the healthy way.

And for the support, you're in the right place, just give us a cry and we'll be there for you. Be strong and learn to love yourself.

Anne said...

I guess I have a few comments.
First, I think it is really good that you were able to get out these thoughts and to realize that you do need help.
Second, I think that with diabetes there is probably an increased risk for eating disorders. You never get a vacation from diabetes and you never get a vacation from thinking about food. Who else do you know who can recite everything eaten almost every day?
Third, on a more spiritual note, I think that often times, God helps us through the kindness of others. I wouldn't berate yourself for asking for help.
I hope you can find some doctors who will take your situation with consideration and seriousness. Can you talk to an endocrinologist or a CDE? Keep us posted on how you are doing.
-Anne

Vicoprofen said...
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