Free

Set Me Free
by Casting Crowns

It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains

Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away

Chorus:
Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free

Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?
Jesus, rescue me

Chorus

As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my eyes
The darkness cannot hide

Chorus 2:
Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains
I hold the key
All Power on Heaven and earth belong to me
(Repeat)

You are free
You are free
You are free

afraid

This post is solely a post for me to try and get my thoughts straight. It's not me being an attention whore, or looking for sympathy, and certainly not looking for criticism. I just need to get my thoughts down and out. I considered doing this in my personal paper journal, but decided to do it publicly instead, because I know I am not the only one dealing with this.

I have food issues. I have for years, to a degree, but the diabetes seemed to push it to the fore front last year. And I ignored it. And I pushed it away, staying strong. I never got into anything deeply, it was mostly just experimenting. It started with me realizing if I was upset about something, I could "let" myself throw up without even trying too hardly. And I let myself a few times. Trust me, not much. And I realized it took my mind off whatever I was upset about, and refocused my attention. My denial of having diabetes caused it to spin toward skipping insulin, fueling both my "food issues" and my denial issues. I would stop when I hit 400 and felt like shit, and often over correct, spinning me on a roller coaster for days. And then I catapulted into trying some of dad's lasix to see how much weight I could lose before a doctor's appointment. And it worked. But I promised myself I didn't have an eating disorder, and pushed it to the back of my mind. I wouldn't have an eating disorder until I was underweight.

So I moved on, and the issue laid dormant for awhile. But the holidays brought it back again. I felt fat after Christmas. And I can honestly say I didn't eat much, if any, more than usual. But I feel fat. And ad after ad for weight lose plans and diets and health clubs isn't helping. And I let myself throw up last night. And I let my pump get occluded and didn't deal with it, thus letting my blood sugar get high.

I know all the issues are related to an eating disorder of sorts. And I have learned about eating disorders, and I see all the signs in myself. And I saw myself heading for one. But I can't seem to stop the spiral. And I'm honestly at a point where I am not sure I want to. Because being healthy isn't my biggest priority right now. I have these thoughts that maybe if I was thinner, I would have more friends, or a boyfriend, or damnit, even better grades. And it's insane, I know. I feel like I can't even like myself unless I am thinner. And I know all this sounds major depressing, but I feel like it's not that bad.

And I don't even know how to get help. I mentioned it to my primary care doctor, and got the response, "You're not exactly wasting away." I have sense found a new pcp. I tried to talk to my pastor about it, and he blew me off, not exactly helping the self esteem issues I am. I tried to talk to my parents, and they told me that an eating disorder should be the least of my concerns. And it's hard for me to ask for help to begin with, cause damn, I feel too fat to ask for help. Only skinny people get eating disorders, and that's not me.

I don't know where to turn. I even feel like asking for help will make me weaker and more susceptible to it. If I ask for help, it will mean I really have something wrong, and it will mean I can therefore act more on what is wrong. And I can honestly say that I have not been acting on a lot of these feelings. And I'm not even sure posting this on the internet is a great idea, so who knows, it may be gone later.

I also feel like asking for help would be anti-Christian. As a Christian, I feel like God should be the only support I need. And that God loves me for who I am, so I should love me for who I am. And that God made me the way I am, so I should love how I look, because I am "fearfully and wonderfully made." But I still want to lose weight. And I could stand to lose some, but I want to do it healthfully, and every time I try, I get pushed in to negative things. I feel like religion should be helping me, but it's hindering me here. And I hate that.

The funny thing is, up until recently, I felt like all these thoughts were normal. Now it's striking me that people can be discontent with their weight and not feel the need to go make themselves puke.

I'm afraid for things I am too afraid to admit.

Holiday Fun Doesn't Have To Be Over Yet

aka, how I waste my time.

I was browsing www.miniclip.com the other day. They have lots of fun stuff. I thought I would share my two new favorite holiday games with you.

Snowline

And Snowday.

And a non-winterish one too. Feather Keeper. My apologies to dial up users.

And as a final bolus, a random thought. Now that Google owns Blogger, can we expect a name change to Bloogle?

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to everyone!

In the Holiday Spirit

Another MeMe from Kerri.

2006 Year End Top Five

1. Top Five Resolutions for 2007
1. Keep logging blood sugars
2. Get some real, live basal testing done.
3. Keep my GPA up
4. Get a summer internship
5. Learn to snowboard


2. Top Five Albums/Songs You're Embarrassed to Admit Loving
This is hard, cause while I love a lot of albums, I'm generally not embarrassed by my music choices.

1. Not an album, but rather an artist- Ashley Simpson
2. "This is Your Time" by Michael W. Smith. I didn't used to be embarrassed to admit this, then I realized someone who's taste I generally can't stand likes him. My how things change.
3. Not an album, a song, but I like "Go Diego Go" from that tv show Diego's in who's name I can't recall, but it's NOT Dora the Explorer, but some other show. Is the name actually "Go Diego Go?"
4. On the same note, I like Veggie Tales songs/albums.
5. Duron Duron, "Astronaut" And I know I'm not the only one.

Now I'm..uhm..embarrassed.

3. Top Five Fictional People You'd Like to Ride in a Hot Air Balloon With
1. Mickey Mouse
2. Captain Crunch- hey, he's a captain!
3. Winnie the Pooh- he could get some honey
4. Alice, from Alice in Wonderland
5. Nemo, cause he's just cool

And the bonus question: Who's your favorite reindeer of the bunch?
Comet. Just because.

Tagged!

Bettercell tagged me to share my top 5 holiday tunes. So here is goes.

5. Sleigh Ride- this was done at every Christmas concert I was in in high school. We did it wonderfully every year, and alumni were allowed to preform with us if they so wished.

4. o Holy Night- another favorite of mine

3. The Little Drummer Boy- we have a music box that plays this, and it's always been a favorite holiday trinket of mine

2. Carol of the Bells

1. Christmas Eve Sarejevo- I love the Tran Siberian Orchestra! And yes, I know this is similar to Carol of the Bells, but it sounds different enough in my opinion.

Another Comment Turned Whole Entry

Thanks everyone for your suggestions with the insurance situation. We are on a PPO plan. I finally got it worked out. Lancets, strips in whatever quantity Dr. Endo can convince them I need (currently 800/90 days), and insulin is Medco, and pump supplies is DME, which means they are adjusting my claims. Yay! Confusing part is, I could get insulin through BCBS I suppose, instead of Medco, but at a slightly higher copay.

As much as I have blogged before about the annoyances of my parents, they really do support me sometimes. My dad said to me, "I would refinance the house and beg for money before I let you get sick because this stuff is so darned expensive." Luckily, it hasn't come to that yet. Nor will it.

True Story Conversation with my Insurance Company

*ring* *ring* *ring*

*Automated Voice*

*Crappy Elevator Hold Music*

Insurance Company: "Hello my name is So and So. You're being recorded for quality assurance purposes. May I have your ID number, name, address, and phone number?"

Me: *gives her the info*

IC: "And how may I help you today?"

Me: "I would like to know what my coverage for insulin pump supplies is."

IC: "Insulin is covered under your prescription plan, please contact Medco."

Me: "Not the insulin, the supplies for the pump that delivers the insulin."

IC: "Is that for diabetes?"

Me: "Yes."

IC: "I see. For diabetes supplies, OneTouch and Accu-chek are our preferred brands."

Me: "That's for strips. I want to know what my copay is for pump supplies."

IC: "I see that your copay for test strips is $15."

Me: "NOT test strips. PUMP supplies...cartridges, infusion sets, stuff like that."

Her: "I'll have to call you back on that."

*click*

___________________________________

And that was over a week ago. Still no call back. And now I need to call again. Wish me luck. I can't be their only pumper, can I?

Current Temp

Currently: 13 degrees F
Feels like: -4F

Brrr...

Silly Me

Unfortunately, the end of the semester and all the accompanying business has forced me on my own little blogging hiatus. And then I realized I totally miss checking for comments on my blog and such, though I have still immensely enjoyed reading all the other blogs and commenting. I digress however. I miss blogging. So a short, somewhat meaningless post in which I share my utter stupidity.

Has anyone else ever done this before?

Scenario: I have a perfectly good set. The kind you can't feel. I'm tired, and it's shower time. I hope in hot water, and enjoy letting it relax my body. And I soap up. And the soap meets resistance. Yep, that would be my perfectly good set I couldn't feel, now perfectly clogged with soap. Cause I didn't watch where I washed. And now I need to change it. But the old one smells like Dove at least.



And I wouldn't feel as stupid if this wasn't my second time doing it. Next time, I shall stick with loofahs.