Saturday, April 22, 2006

I Feel Like a Pregnant Woman

Only, without the baby growing inside me.

The move to pumping seems to have turned me into an emotional wreck this weekend.

I'm not sure why, but all the excitement I felt toward pumping has turned into fear and sadness. I'm still fairly new to diabetes, just over 6 months for me. And I feel like I was just figuring things out on shots. Now it's changing, probably for the better, but changing nonetheless again. And due to honeymooning, I feel like my blood sugar levels don't punish me too badly for a missed dose here and there, resulting in me not feeling insulin dependant totally. This in turn has led to me feeling like I don't really need a pump.

I feel like a pump will make me more diabetic, if that makes sense. I went to my last endo appointment half expecting to be told I don't have diabetes, and came back with a pump ordered. Whoa... And I feel like I have been viewing the pump has a fun toy to have, not a permanent life line. This struck me yesterday when I read the manual and it kept saying how important it is to have a back up plan if you need to disconnect and to make sure you don't have occulsions and such. It's there. All. The. Time.

I keep wondering what it is going to be like. I was doing house work this afternoon and put my mp3 player on my waist. And it annoyed me. Granted, my pump will be half the size.

Going on the pump is making me feel like I am being diagnosed all over again. It's making me accept something I haven't quite accepted yet.


Nicole P said...

I think most of us know exactly what you're talking about. The pump is sort of a constant and more significant reminder of one's diabetes -- and the care it requires. It's normal for your emotions to be all over the map prior to your start.

I've been pumping for over 3 years now -- and I would *never* go back to MDI unless I absolutely had to (life or death, you know?) I think, even if it takes you awhile to get it, you'll find that once you do the rewards are indescribable. Also -- just think -- because you've been giving shots and you probably know your body - and definitely know diabetes - better thank you did, you don't have the big of a learning curve to deal with.

You're going to do great, I'm sure. Call on us if there is any help we can give -- I know I and others are more than happy to assist.

Best to you -- good luck!!!

Johnboy said...

Megan, I have often wondered what it could be like to be connected all the time too.

While I haven't "been there", I do think that this is probably something you have to adjust to on multiple levels.

It might be wise to listen to the voices of experience and wait to see how it benefits you and how you feel about it.

Shannon said...

What you're feeling is all sooo normal :) Even though I'm not the one pumping, I went through the same emotions and thoughts when my son started pumping.

This is in addition to what Nicole said who pretty much hit the nail on the head.

caren said...

I completely "ditto" what Nicole said. I was SO against the pump. I'be been on it for about 3 months and I LOVE it. Hang in there. The stress will subside once your pump gets here and you're testing it out.
Good luck!!

julia said...

I bawled like a baby when Olivia's pump got here, even though I'd been wanting her on one for over two years, even though she'd had diabetes for over 7 years at that point. It IS a change and, for some people, a more real,permanent reminder of the everyness of this disease.

Olivia has never had an issue with it and we both have joined the "out of my cold, dead hands" club.

Penny said...

I had wanted Riley to have a pump pretty much from the day he was diagnosed, but when it came, I, like Julia, bawled like a baby. It just didn't seem fair for him to be hooked to a machine for 24/7. We have been pumping for 7 weeks now and I wouldn't sell it for a million dollars. I love it. It took some getting used to. I wanted to throw it out the window a few times, but now I can't imagine life without it. Take care and know that what you're feeling is absolutly normal.

Tiffany said...

If you feel this way, then hold off on your hook up date. There's no rule that says just because you have it, you have to wear it. Let it sit in the box for a while. Get some saline and wear the pump for a couple of hours, a couple of days, whatever. Just until you are used to wearing it, at least.

Like Nicole, I'd never trade the freedom of the last three years for anything. Not to mention the ability to tweak and micromanage basal rates. The pump is da' bomb. (and I can't believe I just used that term lol)

And, to echo everyone else, if you have any problems/questions/etc. we're all happy to help!

Megan said...

Tiffany, my clinic requires two days minimum on saline before insulin hook up. I think just having the pump in my possession, looking at it, and playing with it will help ease me.

I should be getting it any day now.

Lyrehca said...

Add me to the list of people who are really glad they have the pump. For me, it's been more than five years, and before that, my docs often said I'd be a good candidate for the pump, but I resisited for awhile because of the very ideas you're talking about. I didn't want to be hooked up to something, and I was sort of vain about wondering where it would go. Now I'm really glad I have it, my blood sugars are the best they've ever been, and we can all share some crafty places about where to wear the pump when you wear something form-fitting, or at the beach, or during sex, or whatever. (You can certainly disconnect for sex, fyi). Good luck with the pump start... and many people are here for you to help you along the way.