Free

Set Me Free
by Casting Crowns

It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains

Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away

Chorus:
Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free

Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?
Jesus, rescue me

Chorus

As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my eyes
The darkness cannot hide

Chorus 2:
Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains
I hold the key
All Power on Heaven and earth belong to me
(Repeat)

You are free
You are free
You are free

afraid

This post is solely a post for me to try and get my thoughts straight. It's not me being an attention whore, or looking for sympathy, and certainly not looking for criticism. I just need to get my thoughts down and out. I considered doing this in my personal paper journal, but decided to do it publicly instead, because I know I am not the only one dealing with this.

I have food issues. I have for years, to a degree, but the diabetes seemed to push it to the fore front last year. And I ignored it. And I pushed it away, staying strong. I never got into anything deeply, it was mostly just experimenting. It started with me realizing if I was upset about something, I could "let" myself throw up without even trying too hardly. And I let myself a few times. Trust me, not much. And I realized it took my mind off whatever I was upset about, and refocused my attention. My denial of having diabetes caused it to spin toward skipping insulin, fueling both my "food issues" and my denial issues. I would stop when I hit 400 and felt like shit, and often over correct, spinning me on a roller coaster for days. And then I catapulted into trying some of dad's lasix to see how much weight I could lose before a doctor's appointment. And it worked. But I promised myself I didn't have an eating disorder, and pushed it to the back of my mind. I wouldn't have an eating disorder until I was underweight.

So I moved on, and the issue laid dormant for awhile. But the holidays brought it back again. I felt fat after Christmas. And I can honestly say I didn't eat much, if any, more than usual. But I feel fat. And ad after ad for weight lose plans and diets and health clubs isn't helping. And I let myself throw up last night. And I let my pump get occluded and didn't deal with it, thus letting my blood sugar get high.

I know all the issues are related to an eating disorder of sorts. And I have learned about eating disorders, and I see all the signs in myself. And I saw myself heading for one. But I can't seem to stop the spiral. And I'm honestly at a point where I am not sure I want to. Because being healthy isn't my biggest priority right now. I have these thoughts that maybe if I was thinner, I would have more friends, or a boyfriend, or damnit, even better grades. And it's insane, I know. I feel like I can't even like myself unless I am thinner. And I know all this sounds major depressing, but I feel like it's not that bad.

And I don't even know how to get help. I mentioned it to my primary care doctor, and got the response, "You're not exactly wasting away." I have sense found a new pcp. I tried to talk to my pastor about it, and he blew me off, not exactly helping the self esteem issues I am. I tried to talk to my parents, and they told me that an eating disorder should be the least of my concerns. And it's hard for me to ask for help to begin with, cause damn, I feel too fat to ask for help. Only skinny people get eating disorders, and that's not me.

I don't know where to turn. I even feel like asking for help will make me weaker and more susceptible to it. If I ask for help, it will mean I really have something wrong, and it will mean I can therefore act more on what is wrong. And I can honestly say that I have not been acting on a lot of these feelings. And I'm not even sure posting this on the internet is a great idea, so who knows, it may be gone later.

I also feel like asking for help would be anti-Christian. As a Christian, I feel like God should be the only support I need. And that God loves me for who I am, so I should love me for who I am. And that God made me the way I am, so I should love how I look, because I am "fearfully and wonderfully made." But I still want to lose weight. And I could stand to lose some, but I want to do it healthfully, and every time I try, I get pushed in to negative things. I feel like religion should be helping me, but it's hindering me here. And I hate that.

The funny thing is, up until recently, I felt like all these thoughts were normal. Now it's striking me that people can be discontent with their weight and not feel the need to go make themselves puke.

I'm afraid for things I am too afraid to admit.

Holiday Fun Doesn't Have To Be Over Yet

aka, how I waste my time.

I was browsing www.miniclip.com the other day. They have lots of fun stuff. I thought I would share my two new favorite holiday games with you.

Snowline

And Snowday.

And a non-winterish one too. Feather Keeper. My apologies to dial up users.

And as a final bolus, a random thought. Now that Google owns Blogger, can we expect a name change to Bloogle?

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to everyone!

In the Holiday Spirit

Another MeMe from Kerri.

2006 Year End Top Five

1. Top Five Resolutions for 2007
1. Keep logging blood sugars
2. Get some real, live basal testing done.
3. Keep my GPA up
4. Get a summer internship
5. Learn to snowboard


2. Top Five Albums/Songs You're Embarrassed to Admit Loving
This is hard, cause while I love a lot of albums, I'm generally not embarrassed by my music choices.

1. Not an album, but rather an artist- Ashley Simpson
2. "This is Your Time" by Michael W. Smith. I didn't used to be embarrassed to admit this, then I realized someone who's taste I generally can't stand likes him. My how things change.
3. Not an album, a song, but I like "Go Diego Go" from that tv show Diego's in who's name I can't recall, but it's NOT Dora the Explorer, but some other show. Is the name actually "Go Diego Go?"
4. On the same note, I like Veggie Tales songs/albums.
5. Duron Duron, "Astronaut" And I know I'm not the only one.

Now I'm..uhm..embarrassed.

3. Top Five Fictional People You'd Like to Ride in a Hot Air Balloon With
1. Mickey Mouse
2. Captain Crunch- hey, he's a captain!
3. Winnie the Pooh- he could get some honey
4. Alice, from Alice in Wonderland
5. Nemo, cause he's just cool

And the bonus question: Who's your favorite reindeer of the bunch?
Comet. Just because.

Tagged!

Bettercell tagged me to share my top 5 holiday tunes. So here is goes.

5. Sleigh Ride- this was done at every Christmas concert I was in in high school. We did it wonderfully every year, and alumni were allowed to preform with us if they so wished.

4. o Holy Night- another favorite of mine

3. The Little Drummer Boy- we have a music box that plays this, and it's always been a favorite holiday trinket of mine

2. Carol of the Bells

1. Christmas Eve Sarejevo- I love the Tran Siberian Orchestra! And yes, I know this is similar to Carol of the Bells, but it sounds different enough in my opinion.

Another Comment Turned Whole Entry

Thanks everyone for your suggestions with the insurance situation. We are on a PPO plan. I finally got it worked out. Lancets, strips in whatever quantity Dr. Endo can convince them I need (currently 800/90 days), and insulin is Medco, and pump supplies is DME, which means they are adjusting my claims. Yay! Confusing part is, I could get insulin through BCBS I suppose, instead of Medco, but at a slightly higher copay.

As much as I have blogged before about the annoyances of my parents, they really do support me sometimes. My dad said to me, "I would refinance the house and beg for money before I let you get sick because this stuff is so darned expensive." Luckily, it hasn't come to that yet. Nor will it.

True Story Conversation with my Insurance Company

*ring* *ring* *ring*

*Automated Voice*

*Crappy Elevator Hold Music*

Insurance Company: "Hello my name is So and So. You're being recorded for quality assurance purposes. May I have your ID number, name, address, and phone number?"

Me: *gives her the info*

IC: "And how may I help you today?"

Me: "I would like to know what my coverage for insulin pump supplies is."

IC: "Insulin is covered under your prescription plan, please contact Medco."

Me: "Not the insulin, the supplies for the pump that delivers the insulin."

IC: "Is that for diabetes?"

Me: "Yes."

IC: "I see. For diabetes supplies, OneTouch and Accu-chek are our preferred brands."

Me: "That's for strips. I want to know what my copay is for pump supplies."

IC: "I see that your copay for test strips is $15."

Me: "NOT test strips. PUMP supplies...cartridges, infusion sets, stuff like that."

Her: "I'll have to call you back on that."

*click*

___________________________________

And that was over a week ago. Still no call back. And now I need to call again. Wish me luck. I can't be their only pumper, can I?

Current Temp

Currently: 13 degrees F
Feels like: -4F

Brrr...

Silly Me

Unfortunately, the end of the semester and all the accompanying business has forced me on my own little blogging hiatus. And then I realized I totally miss checking for comments on my blog and such, though I have still immensely enjoyed reading all the other blogs and commenting. I digress however. I miss blogging. So a short, somewhat meaningless post in which I share my utter stupidity.

Has anyone else ever done this before?

Scenario: I have a perfectly good set. The kind you can't feel. I'm tired, and it's shower time. I hope in hot water, and enjoy letting it relax my body. And I soap up. And the soap meets resistance. Yep, that would be my perfectly good set I couldn't feel, now perfectly clogged with soap. Cause I didn't watch where I washed. And now I need to change it. But the old one smells like Dove at least.



And I wouldn't feel as stupid if this wasn't my second time doing it. Next time, I shall stick with loofahs.

Diabetic Society

I walk down the hall, and alas, I see a clip on someone's pocket, and the familiar tubing sneaking up under her shirt. Another pumper. We stop, and talk. I've never met her before, but we chat for almost an hour. And not just about diabetes, either. We had something in common, and clicked.

Every time I meet someone with diabetes, it's like "insta-friend." Here at the OC we come from all different walks of life, all different ages, races, sexual orientations, geographic location, professions, etc. We're different. Yet, we all get along. Because that common bond unites us.

I just finished reading my third book about diabetes I have read this year. Every month, magazines from 2 different publishers reach my mailbox, both about diabetes. Any drug store has rows of product devoted to us. And there are now FIVE companies that sell pumps in the US. You can do a google image search for "diabetes" and find pictures about us. We have our own websites. We have our own camps. Some profit-savvy food manufacturers have even attempted lines of food devoted to us. We have our own language (bolus, basal, carb ratio, ISF, bg- these are not words most people use everyday).

Compliments of Wikipedia, the definition of society:

"A society is a group of human beings distinguishable from other groups by mutual interests, characteristic relationships, shared institutions and a common culture."

When I traveled across the globe, I met another American. He was from a different part of the US than I, and also older. But we talked. Because we were part of the same society.

And that's how it was when I met another pumper. And how it is at the OC. We are a society within a society, a culture unto ourselves.

Just When I Felt Like I Needed Something to Post

Another MeMe comes and saves the day:

Three Things I Do Every Day:Eat, Check e-mail (ok, everyday when I'm home), test my blood sugar (I know, how original, like, everyone posted this one, but it's true).


Three Things I Wish I Could Do Every Day:Get 8+ hours of sleep, get all the homework I need to get done done, do something fun.

Three Hopes I Have for Today:
That the tacos for dinner turn out well, that I get to talk to someone I have been wanting to talk to for awhile, that my site that's rather sore makes it through one more day.

Three Things I Hear:
Computer fan (and keys clicking), dog barking somewhere done the street, a car passing by

Three Ways I Have Changed my Life:
Went on a pump, went to college, became a Christian

Three People I Wish I Could See Again:
my friend Jess (she's still around, just moved far away), my grandpa, my counselor from camp from years ago

Three Items I Wish I Owned:
an ipod, a snowboard, a smaller laptop

Three Wishes I Had When I Was Young:
to go to outer space, to be royalty, to be a doctor

Three Fears I Have:
Getting in a car (or any other vehicle for that matter) accident, losing health insurance, a bad low or a bad asthma attack

Three Things on My Desk:
Clock, pens, glucose meter

Three Thoughts in My Mind:
I'm hungry and thirsty, I have yet another paper due this week, I'm sick of the rain

The OC Makes Me All Warm and Fuzzy Inside

Reading all these posts today has had my laughing, crying, and just smiling at the unity we all share. It leaves me feeling encouraged, and not alone. Bravo everyone.

Diabetes Blog Day

I'm getting a jump on this now, because I know later today I won't have the time nor memory to post, yet I very much want to be a part of this day.

It's hard for me to know what to post. I don't know what I am suppose to post. It's hard for me to say what diabetes means to me, because even though it is a condition I live with daily, it's not a static emotional state. I feel differently about diabetes everyday. Sometimes I feel like I hate it, and just want it gone. Other times I feel like it's so much ingrained in me I wouldn't exist without it. And sometimes I just feel like any other person.

When I think about what diabetes means to me, all the emotions that flooded me at diagnosis storm back to haunt me. Because really, I go through mini versions of these emotions daily.

I felt scared then. Scared for my future. Scared for what would come of me. Scared at all the information I had to learn. I feel scared daily when I go low, or realize I low will come due to a blood sugar of 80 and 4 units on board. I still feel scared for my future sometimes too.

I was mad then. And I feel anger at some point daily, though usually only momentarily.

I felt dread over the first injections and finger pokes, and still dread site changes, though less with each site change.

And yet I also felt excited at the opportunity to get better.

Diabetes hasn't been the end of my world. But I still get teary eyes and emotional when I see this, or read this, or this.

Diabetes is a day to day effort, and each day is a new day. And I continue to hope for all people with diabetes that some day will be a new day without insulin and finger pokes or the fear or reality of complications.

Cell Phone Case Pics

Empty case




Note the nice, smooth, slim, non-pokey clip. And it rotates 360 degrees.


It's a little snug with the cozmonitor, perfect without.


Magnetic closure thingy.


And still pretty slim.

I've become convinced medical companies should hire non-medical companies to design stuff for wearing medical things.

Apparently I've Been Tagged

So Ms. Noncompliant Diabetic Allison tagged me. So now I have to share 5 random facts.

1. I bought a cell phone case to fit my pump plus cozmonitor toady. I finally have a case I am satisfied with that holds the Cozmo with the Cozmonitor attached. And is non-pokey. And it was on sale for $4.99. I'm happy.

2. I stink at killing time. I can spend hours on a computer at home, but if I am in the school computer lab trying to kill time, I can't do it. I have to go drive around for kicks or something. And it wastes gas. And probably kills trees too. Or something like that.

3. I have two printers that I use on this computer. They are both all in one machines. One is a Dell brand, one a Lexmark. Each one will work for about 6 months to a year, then die. Then we use the other one. That works for awhile, then dies. And then the other one starts working. We have done this cycle something like three times. My dad says they need "paid vacation." Apparently the National Printer Union (NPU) was on holiday when that contract was signed.

4. I didn't sign up for November post a day month because I could never think of something profound, meaningful, or even silly or nonsensical to write everyday for thirty days. And because I didn't find out about it till yesterday, and by then it was too late. Mostly because I didn't find out till yesterday.

5. I love music. I have played 5 instruments at various points in my life. I also love listening to music. When I listen to music, I pick one song, listen to it ad nauseum, then pick a new favorite song, and can't stand my previous favorite song for awhile. Then when I hear a past favorite song on the radio sometime in the distant future, it brings back memories.

Bonus!
6. I had to try spelling distant 6 times in my previous point before I got it right. Yay Firefox 2.0's spell checker.

I have no clue who was tagged and who wasn't. Please post if you haven't been tagged yet! I don't be offended I didn't point you out personally, because it was merely due to the inability of my small brain to comprehend the mushroom effect of these tag games.

It's Too Bad Kerri's Not Here To See This

Anyone else happen to notice who's on the Yahoo! homepage?

Makes me think of the OC every time.

I am NOT a Doctor

Well there ya have it folks. In case there was any doubt, I am officially out of the closet: I am NOT a doctor (yet at least). And that was a fact I was reminded of today.

I was talking to an idiot person today. And while yesterday you had the unique opportunity to go into my thoughts, I promised return visits another boring entry, and here you have it. Today you have a unique opportunity to listen in on a conversation I had. And while many PWDs have shared my thoughts, unfortunately, many PWDs have also shared a conversation along these lines.

Apparently Non-Idiot Other Person: "My friend has type 1 and doesn't have to take insulin."
Me: "Your friend must not have type 1 then."
ANIOP: "Yeah he does. The insulin made him sick. So he stopped and went on a diet"
Me: "Your friend has type 2 otherwise he would be dead."
ANIOP: "Nope, been doing it for 5 years."
Me: "There is no way your friend has type 1 diabetes"
ANIOP: "How would you know?!?"
Me: "Insulin is vital to life. In type 1 diabetes the pancreas ceases making insulin, therefore injected insulin is necessary for life."
ANIOP: "I know that"
Me: "Then what's your reasoning to how said friend can survive?"
ANIOP: "His doctor said he could"
Me: "Right..."
ANIOP: "Well he went to school and you didn't. You're NOT a doctor!"

Well there you have it folks. I'm not a doctor, apparently I just know more than some doctors. Either that, or this person just understood what the doctor said as well as he understood what I said.

Legal Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, I just play one online.

Diabetes Thoughts

A unique view into my head at the moment. A scary place, but one I will let you visit none the less. If you have diabetes (which I think most of you who read this do), this may not be so unique. In which case, come along for an exceedingly boring visit.

Is it too soon to change my reservoir when it says I have 1.8 units left and it has been alarming for the last 10 hours or so?

How does one count carbs when one has been munching on and off for the last half hour on those yummy honey barbecue pretzel bites?

How long has this site been in? I can't remember, so we'll say I put it in yesterday.

Am I high or thirsty? We won't know till I have to go upstairs for something other than a meter.

How come I can keep track of 1 cell phone, but my 3 meters always seem to be inconveniently located?

Is using diabetes as an excuse for eating a chocolate bar in a class when eating is generally banned okay? What if my bs is sitting at a comfy 98 and I'm just hungry?

And this has been Random Thoughts....tune back next time for another likely boring entry.

Bad Habits

I stink at logging. I was hoping the pump would solve this problem, allowing me to simply upload nad have beautiful logs to take to my endo. I was sorely disappointed when I saw that the CozManager does nothing like that, rather, I can get a list of everything happening. What the heck does that do for me? Nada.

I discovered the CoPilot, despite recalls preventing it from being used (for over a year- how long does it take to fix a bug?), I still used it. And it was...interesting. I finally got statistics, and that was fun. The insulin use charts showed me where I was doing a lot of corrections, but the log has crap all over it saying stuff like "imported from cozmanager" next to every bolus or bg level, making for a cluttered piece of mess. And the program decides if a bg was before or after a meal based on time of day. That's perfect if you eat at the same time everyday. I don't. That's why I pump. Why can't it figure out when you ate based on when the bolus was given, not time?

So I am back into an excel chart. I like it, I just need to keep up with it. Then hopefully I will have some good info to show my endo.

And I am realizing something- I have a lot of bad habits going on here.

My tests fall in no particular order. I seem to have gotten into a habit of just testing when I feel like it. This results in maybe 3 hours I tested every hour, then gaps of 5 hours without testing. Yeah, I get at least 6 tests in a day, but do they really tell me anything? I need to be testing before meals and two hours after if I really want to see how things are going.

Which brings my to my next bad habbit. I am a grazer. I eat what I want, when I feel like it. Yesterday I ate 196 grams of carbs for the day. Not bad. Except I didn't eat till 11, then ate around 11, 12, 1, and 2, about 20 grams each time. Then I didn't eat again till 7. Then I ate at 7, 8, and 10. Who the heck follows that kind of eating schedule? It can't be healthy. And the grazing results in a higher A1c according to Gary Scheiner in Think Like a Pancreas.

Allow me to break here to share something that annoys me with my pump, but yet I have no clue how it would be fixed. My bs is 77 right now. I'm cool with that. But I want to throw a load of clothes in and take a shower before I eat. I can do that, since I don't plan on dropping much lower. But it will be an hour before I eat likely. I enter my bg in my pump, so I know it's there and can upload it, see info in Copilot, and reference it when filling in my Excel sheet. But in an hour when I eat, I want my bolus reduced for that 77. I can enter the bg again when I bolus, but then that skews my testing averages. I guess I'd like the pump to offer the option to use the last taken bg as a correction (even if it was more than 10 minutes ago), or enter another bg then. What I do now is just cut about 10 grams of carb off the bolus to raise my bg a little.

So if I really want to see if my meal boluses are working, I need to both log, eat real meals, and test appropriately.

I like to think diabetes doesn't play a huge role in my life, and with pumping, it doesn't, but it does in this sense.