96

This is my 96th post since I began blogging over a year ago. And my last here. For awhile, at least.

I've grown from a timid person keeping her blog a secret, and vague, to a more experienced blogger with tons of blogs I read and comment on and tons of bloggers that comment on mine.

I'm ready for some change.

Yes, I know, my current blog layout is snazzy. I love it. And I've only had it for a mere month and a half. But I mean more of a change than that even.

I am trying Movable Type, courtesy of Diabetes Daily. And my blog name in changing. Again. My 3rd blog name stolen from a song, and my second Switchfoot titled blog. Yeah, I love the guys.

And on the new blog, I'm ready to focus on other parts of my life too. School. Family. My asthma and stomach problems. Yes, I know some of you may not even know I have those things.

I'm still never going to be the type of blogger that feels comfortable posting their whole life on the internet for all to read, but I'm ready to go past mere superficiality.

So come check out the new place: Nothing Is Sound.

I can see the potential Movable Type has, but I still have a lot to learn. So excuse the emptiness for now. And no guarantees we won't be back here soon, for posts 97+.

I really hate Fridays

It's true. I do.

I get home from school at 11 on Thursdays. Yes, that's 11pm. I need to leave house by 7:15 on Fridays for class. Already math doesn't work out sleep-wise. I rarely get to bed before 1am anyways. May that never.

I then sit through boring-as-hell-irrelevant-required-class. For 3 hours. 3 hours. When I'm tired. It sucks. And the girl next to meet reeks of cigarettes leaving me nauseas and wheezy by the time we get a break. And girl asks me for weight loss tips. Please. Don't.

I proceed to work job not otherwise specified. For an hour. This part doesn't suck. It pays nicely, and fits into my schedule. But it makes me at school longer. Ah well.

Then I grocery shop. Usually at no less than 2-3 stores. I drink caffeine while doing so. I finish around 6pm. I hate grocery shoping. I hate Fridays.

But on every day of the week there is another layer. My other schedule, always grueling and unrelenting. And it frequently makes me want to give up.

Wake up.
Test.
Pill.
Asthma inhaler #1- 1 puff.
Asthma inhaler #2- 4 puffs.
Rinse Mouth.
Breakfast.
Bolus.

Test.

Test.
Lunch.
Bolus.

Test.

Test.
Pill.
Other pill.
Dinner.
Bolus.

Test.
Pill.
Other pill.
Vitamin.
Acne cream.
Inhaler 1 x 1.
Inhaler 2 x 4.
Fill out log book.
Groan at inability to log neatly if testing more than 4x a day.
Bed.



I sometimes wonder if this second routine contributes to the brutality of some days.

Skittles

This post took place several weeks ago at the beginning of the semester.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Guy-Who-Crushes-On-Me greets me. My other friends do too. The professors take the stage.

I sit back in my seat and listen. Tonight is a long class. 6 hours. Professors make every indication that they intend to take up the entire time. I even take some notes. I love school, and I'm glad to be back.

Coffee break time comes and, as per my custom, I stab my finger. The drop of blood on the strip reveals a 70. Ok, a little low, but I am gonna have dinner now. I'm starved. I eat my low fat yogurt. My carrots. My string cheese. My apple. New year, new leaf diet wise. I bolus for none of it.

Back to class.

An hour passes. Then 2. My stomach cramps. I feel like I am going to get my period. But that just happened last week. And I never get it more than every 8 weeks. I do the logical thing and stab my finger again. I lean over to GWCOM, "No comments about me obsessing over diabetes, ok?" He smiles and nods. The meter counts down and reveals a 68. This isn't good. Out pop the glucose tabs. I down 4, and pray the carbohydrates I am throwing at my body kick in. This is officially Not Good.

My pump alarms. "Check BG. Your last glucose was low." It's been 20 minutes already. More cramps. I'm up to 74. My body shakes. I'm not high enough. I'm not going up fast enough. My first day of school is turning into a nightmare. I can't handle more tabs. I grab a dollar and head downstairs to the vending machine for a skittles fix. Professor-from-last-semester stops me in the hall. I try not to be a rude bitch, but some situations call for it. This is one. I call my answers to her questions to her as I walk down the stairs. I liked the professor. I feel mean. I have no choice. I'll explain later.

The vending machines have a line. I queue up in orderly fashion. I'm not that rude of a bitch. My turn comes. I pause as I try and remember how these machines I have been using for years work. I place the money in and press D9 for skittles. The skittles start their free fall to the ground where I can grab them and suck them into my mouth. They get caught. Last minute. Did I do something wrong?

I can reach them. They can't help me. I'm stuck alone with no money and a rapidly plummeting blood sugar. I'm shaking. I push my body against the machine, but my weakening body can't force the sugar down to where I can use it.

Close...but so far away. My eyes scavenge the hallways. I'm popular. I know people. And I'm open about my diabetes. There has to be someone I know. There isn't.

A tear creeps from my eye. I don't know what to do. I need help. I can't be alone right now.

I race up the stairs as fast as my spaghetti legs will carry me. I hope to see PFLS. But she's long gone. I barge back into the lecture hall. I walk in front of professor who is lecturing. I don't care. I'd say 90% of the class, and the professor who is currently lecturing know about my diabetic-status.

I climb up to my seat and without sitting down grab my wallet. I say to GWCOM, "Come with me." He gets up and walks out with me.

Without saying a word we head for the vending machines. "I have quarters, lots of them," he offers. We make it and he loads 4 quarters in the vending machine. "What do you want?"

"Skittles."

"What flavor?"

"It doesn't matter, damn it."

He makes no comments on my testy mood. He picks a number and these Skittles, too, get stuck on their way down. I feel cursed.

He yells to another guy walking down the hall, "Help me shake the machine, she needs sugar real bad."

My tears and in full force, falling to the floor faster than my skittles. The two strangers shake the machine together, and GWCOM reaches down and grabs both packets now in the bottom of the machine. He ribs one open and hands it to me. I shovel a load in my mouth. We sit down. He offers me up tissue, "It's crinkled, but clean." I accept.

"We're missing class."

"I don't care. Take your time."

We sit in silence.

"I effing hate diabetes."

"I know, no one wouldn't. But I do think you do a good job."

We sit more.

"That was a big mouth full all at once- I'm impressed you didn't gag."

We laugh. We walk back to class.

Rate My Diet

I had half a chocolate bar and an entire bag of baby carrots for dinner tonight. 2 hours post-prandial? Why...that would be 108, thank you very much. Granted it's hard to judge, cause it took me an hour to eat the carrots. Maybe I needed vitamin A.

My Dream Pump

Like Aiming For Grace, I'm continuously amazed at the poor design of some diabetes products. However, unlike her, I'm looking past the physical and more toward the techy details. Hey, it's the geek in me. I'm all about user friendly. So any manufacturers that happen to be reading, listen up now!

Why don't all BD 30 unit syringes have half unit markings? Why do they have boxes of syringes that have them, and boxes that don't? That's just silly. Put them on all the 30 unit syringes.



What about my Ultrasmart? It's geared at pump users in many ways, but the pump bolus only increments at 0.1 units. My pump increments at 0.05 units. Would it have been that hard to make it match a common pump bolus increment? And while I'm at it, why doesn't the Ultrasmart have a strip light? And why do they still require a whole microliter of blood, when Accu-chek, BD, Bayer, and Abbott all have meters that take less?



My own pump, the Cozmo, I love, but I have many annoyances with it. Most of these are being solved with the upgrade currently being rolled out, but some still exist. I really wish there was a good way to see data from the pump. It stores 4,000 events, but has no useful way of organizing this. I shouldn't HAVE to log, but I do have to. And the Cozmonitor adds so much bulk that I don't use it. And the case situation is a disaster. And why do pumps still us IR to communicate?

And why, please, are there no pens that can dose in half units (besides the Novopen Jr.), or even *gasp* quarter units.

This brings me to my dream pump, heavily inspired by the new Apple iPhone, and noticeably a blend of many features currently found in pumps that need improving.

I love how the iPhone is entirely controlled by a color touch screen. You could SO incorporate that into a pump. My dream pump would have a color touch screen. And the screen would have sensors, like the iPhone, that would allow it to orientate the display to the way I am holding it. The closest thing to this now is the Accu-Chek Spirit, that allows you to reverse the screen to see it either way. It currently takes a series of several button pushes to accomplish this though. The appropriate screens would display when you needed them. An on screen keyboard would let you search in the food database (which would hold a huge database, and automatically update to include new foods through the internet when you communicate with your Mac or PC or even Linux computer). And on screen number pad will display when appropriate. It will be like the layered menus of today, only they will be selected via touch. And have pretty symbols that go with it, for kids that are less literate.

It will be waterproof, though I am sure that will be a feet with a touch screen. I'm sure it could be done.

You pick your reservoir size- 100, 200, 300, or 400 units. And it will have a setting for U-400 or U-500 insulin. The reservoir will be flat, not round, and site in the back of the pump. This will let it stay thinner. A rechargeable battery would be nice. Again, not sure how this will work with the waterproof.

The pump will allow more extensive programming than currently available. Program a super bolus! Or a complex temporary rate (80% over 2 hours, then 120% for the next half hour, for example). Say you have lows overnight after exercising. Set a temp rate before bed to begin at 1am! And alarms will be customizable. There's no reason for a low reservoir alarm to go off at 2 am if I have enough to get me through the rest of the night. There's no reason to have a high volume alarm in a meeting when a vibrate would suffice, though if I have an alarm set to remind me to test at 3am, I might want the high volume then, and vibrate won't work then.

The computer software will allow all programming to be done, but also create extensive reports I can email my doctor. AND they will decide whether a blood sugar check was before or after a meal by when I gave a bolus last, NOT whether I took it at 12:00 or 12:01. Cause that's just silly, and a HUGE annoyance of mine.

Communication will be bluetooth. It will communicate via bluetooth with my computer. And the meter(s) of my choice. A small extension could snap into the data port or the strip port on the meter and allow the meters I use to communicate with my pump's bluetooth. This is good, since most people use more than 1 meter. And there will be a bluetooth remote too. And the remote will have a small LCD screen so you can program more than just a bolus with the remote. I also think it would be awesome if they could make a small pad that is a food scale that communicates via bluetooth. Parents could have one at home, one at school, and one at Grandma's. You put the plate on the pad, and add food, selecting it from the pump's food database. Then the pump recommends a bolus. Carb counting truly made easy.

The pump will be able to read things on the screen for children, people who can't see the screen, or illiterate people. In many languages. If Mom and Dad speak Spanish at home, but Mrs. School-Nurse, RN, speaks English? Not a problem!

I could probably go on all day about this. But it really seems like with the rate other technology is approaching, diabetes products are behind the days. I'd really like to see more true life pumpers help companies develop their products.

Music to my Ears

This was too good to pass up. You just put your player on shuffle, and the song is the answer to the question:

What does next year have in store for me?
Cornerstone- Day of Fire

What's my love life like?
Erosion- Switchfoot

What do I say when life gets hard?
Scream- ZOEgirl (fitting, no?)

What do I think of on waking up?
Wonder Why- Avalon (yeah, pretty much)

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
Nothing Left To Show- Hawk Nelson (uhm...)

What do I want as a career?
Suspended in You- Skillet (I hope I'm not suspended from anything for my employment!)

Favorite place?
Thief- Third Day (that's a place?)

What do I think of my parents?
Forevermind- Pax217

What's my porn star name?
Screamer- Good Charlotte (ok, I did that one twice, cause the first one was way not fitting).

Where would I go on a first date?
Between You and Me- dc Talk

Drug of choice?
Better Days- Goo Goo Dolls

Describe myself
Young Grow Old- Creed

What is the thing I like doing most?
I've Always Loved You- Third Day

What is my state of mind like at the moment?
Everyday- Sonicflood

How will I die?
I've Had the Time of my Life- Dirty Dancing (works...I guess).

iConfused

iPod


iCell (actually, a Motorola v180)


iPump (and many of uPump too)




I guess I don't see where the confusion lies. Did they start making purple cell phones?

Delayed Delurking Week

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I have been away from the computer quite a bit lately. So please delurk here now. Just go ahead and say, "Hi" so I know that you're reading!

And the new look is in

Big thanks to In Search Of Balance for providing the brains to make this happen.

So Things Look a Little Different Around Here

And it's a good thing. It was time for a change. For simplicity purposes the url and feeds will stay the same.

Hopefully things will continue to change. Anyone want to tell me how to make my heading my own picture?

Year Review

First sentence of every month in 2006:

January: I have seen quite a few posts recently surrounding inhaled insulin.

February: I told Kerri awhile ago I was planning a part two to this, so without further ado, here we go.

March: I was recently asked for my opinion on stem cell research.

April: Top Five.

May: I've now been pumping a few days.

June: I had a rather refreshing appointment with endo and CDE recently (isn't that nice when you leave the doctor feeling refreshed, rather than pissed off?).

July: I was in the health center at my very much so non-diabetes camp.

August: I am approaching almost 1 year with diabetes.

September: I realize my blog may be a tad on the serious side lately, so time for something fun!

October: This is what I was thinking about while I was trying to fall asleep last night.

November: So Ms. Noncompliant Diabetic Allison tagged me.

December:Unfortunately, the end of the semester and all the accompanying business has forced me on my own little blogging hiatus.

Really strange how much this makes me realize how much as happened this year.

Free

Set Me Free
by Casting Crowns

It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains

Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away

Chorus:
Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free

Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?
Jesus, rescue me

Chorus

As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my eyes
The darkness cannot hide

Chorus 2:
Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains
I hold the key
All Power on Heaven and earth belong to me
(Repeat)

You are free
You are free
You are free

afraid

This post is solely a post for me to try and get my thoughts straight. It's not me being an attention whore, or looking for sympathy, and certainly not looking for criticism. I just need to get my thoughts down and out. I considered doing this in my personal paper journal, but decided to do it publicly instead, because I know I am not the only one dealing with this.

I have food issues. I have for years, to a degree, but the diabetes seemed to push it to the fore front last year. And I ignored it. And I pushed it away, staying strong. I never got into anything deeply, it was mostly just experimenting. It started with me realizing if I was upset about something, I could "let" myself throw up without even trying too hardly. And I let myself a few times. Trust me, not much. And I realized it took my mind off whatever I was upset about, and refocused my attention. My denial of having diabetes caused it to spin toward skipping insulin, fueling both my "food issues" and my denial issues. I would stop when I hit 400 and felt like shit, and often over correct, spinning me on a roller coaster for days. And then I catapulted into trying some of dad's lasix to see how much weight I could lose before a doctor's appointment. And it worked. But I promised myself I didn't have an eating disorder, and pushed it to the back of my mind. I wouldn't have an eating disorder until I was underweight.

So I moved on, and the issue laid dormant for awhile. But the holidays brought it back again. I felt fat after Christmas. And I can honestly say I didn't eat much, if any, more than usual. But I feel fat. And ad after ad for weight lose plans and diets and health clubs isn't helping. And I let myself throw up last night. And I let my pump get occluded and didn't deal with it, thus letting my blood sugar get high.

I know all the issues are related to an eating disorder of sorts. And I have learned about eating disorders, and I see all the signs in myself. And I saw myself heading for one. But I can't seem to stop the spiral. And I'm honestly at a point where I am not sure I want to. Because being healthy isn't my biggest priority right now. I have these thoughts that maybe if I was thinner, I would have more friends, or a boyfriend, or damnit, even better grades. And it's insane, I know. I feel like I can't even like myself unless I am thinner. And I know all this sounds major depressing, but I feel like it's not that bad.

And I don't even know how to get help. I mentioned it to my primary care doctor, and got the response, "You're not exactly wasting away." I have sense found a new pcp. I tried to talk to my pastor about it, and he blew me off, not exactly helping the self esteem issues I am. I tried to talk to my parents, and they told me that an eating disorder should be the least of my concerns. And it's hard for me to ask for help to begin with, cause damn, I feel too fat to ask for help. Only skinny people get eating disorders, and that's not me.

I don't know where to turn. I even feel like asking for help will make me weaker and more susceptible to it. If I ask for help, it will mean I really have something wrong, and it will mean I can therefore act more on what is wrong. And I can honestly say that I have not been acting on a lot of these feelings. And I'm not even sure posting this on the internet is a great idea, so who knows, it may be gone later.

I also feel like asking for help would be anti-Christian. As a Christian, I feel like God should be the only support I need. And that God loves me for who I am, so I should love me for who I am. And that God made me the way I am, so I should love how I look, because I am "fearfully and wonderfully made." But I still want to lose weight. And I could stand to lose some, but I want to do it healthfully, and every time I try, I get pushed in to negative things. I feel like religion should be helping me, but it's hindering me here. And I hate that.

The funny thing is, up until recently, I felt like all these thoughts were normal. Now it's striking me that people can be discontent with their weight and not feel the need to go make themselves puke.

I'm afraid for things I am too afraid to admit.

Holiday Fun Doesn't Have To Be Over Yet

aka, how I waste my time.

I was browsing www.miniclip.com the other day. They have lots of fun stuff. I thought I would share my two new favorite holiday games with you.

Snowline

And Snowday.

And a non-winterish one too. Feather Keeper. My apologies to dial up users.

And as a final bolus, a random thought. Now that Google owns Blogger, can we expect a name change to Bloogle?

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to everyone!

In the Holiday Spirit

Another MeMe from Kerri.

2006 Year End Top Five

1. Top Five Resolutions for 2007
1. Keep logging blood sugars
2. Get some real, live basal testing done.
3. Keep my GPA up
4. Get a summer internship
5. Learn to snowboard


2. Top Five Albums/Songs You're Embarrassed to Admit Loving
This is hard, cause while I love a lot of albums, I'm generally not embarrassed by my music choices.

1. Not an album, but rather an artist- Ashley Simpson
2. "This is Your Time" by Michael W. Smith. I didn't used to be embarrassed to admit this, then I realized someone who's taste I generally can't stand likes him. My how things change.
3. Not an album, a song, but I like "Go Diego Go" from that tv show Diego's in who's name I can't recall, but it's NOT Dora the Explorer, but some other show. Is the name actually "Go Diego Go?"
4. On the same note, I like Veggie Tales songs/albums.
5. Duron Duron, "Astronaut" And I know I'm not the only one.

Now I'm..uhm..embarrassed.

3. Top Five Fictional People You'd Like to Ride in a Hot Air Balloon With
1. Mickey Mouse
2. Captain Crunch- hey, he's a captain!
3. Winnie the Pooh- he could get some honey
4. Alice, from Alice in Wonderland
5. Nemo, cause he's just cool

And the bonus question: Who's your favorite reindeer of the bunch?
Comet. Just because.

Tagged!

Bettercell tagged me to share my top 5 holiday tunes. So here is goes.

5. Sleigh Ride- this was done at every Christmas concert I was in in high school. We did it wonderfully every year, and alumni were allowed to preform with us if they so wished.

4. o Holy Night- another favorite of mine

3. The Little Drummer Boy- we have a music box that plays this, and it's always been a favorite holiday trinket of mine

2. Carol of the Bells

1. Christmas Eve Sarejevo- I love the Tran Siberian Orchestra! And yes, I know this is similar to Carol of the Bells, but it sounds different enough in my opinion.

Another Comment Turned Whole Entry

Thanks everyone for your suggestions with the insurance situation. We are on a PPO plan. I finally got it worked out. Lancets, strips in whatever quantity Dr. Endo can convince them I need (currently 800/90 days), and insulin is Medco, and pump supplies is DME, which means they are adjusting my claims. Yay! Confusing part is, I could get insulin through BCBS I suppose, instead of Medco, but at a slightly higher copay.

As much as I have blogged before about the annoyances of my parents, they really do support me sometimes. My dad said to me, "I would refinance the house and beg for money before I let you get sick because this stuff is so darned expensive." Luckily, it hasn't come to that yet. Nor will it.

True Story Conversation with my Insurance Company

*ring* *ring* *ring*

*Automated Voice*

*Crappy Elevator Hold Music*

Insurance Company: "Hello my name is So and So. You're being recorded for quality assurance purposes. May I have your ID number, name, address, and phone number?"

Me: *gives her the info*

IC: "And how may I help you today?"

Me: "I would like to know what my coverage for insulin pump supplies is."

IC: "Insulin is covered under your prescription plan, please contact Medco."

Me: "Not the insulin, the supplies for the pump that delivers the insulin."

IC: "Is that for diabetes?"

Me: "Yes."

IC: "I see. For diabetes supplies, OneTouch and Accu-chek are our preferred brands."

Me: "That's for strips. I want to know what my copay is for pump supplies."

IC: "I see that your copay for test strips is $15."

Me: "NOT test strips. PUMP supplies...cartridges, infusion sets, stuff like that."

Her: "I'll have to call you back on that."

*click*

___________________________________

And that was over a week ago. Still no call back. And now I need to call again. Wish me luck. I can't be their only pumper, can I?

Current Temp

Currently: 13 degrees F
Feels like: -4F

Brrr...